fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
You took a bar mat shot.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Randomize
