Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
Randomize
