I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
