I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
Randomize
