I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
