i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
