one word: firstdatebathroomanal
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
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