woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
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