i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
Randomize
