If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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