He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
