if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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