seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
