i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
The chlamydia really affected his face.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Randomize
