its summer. and we all know college gfs do not count in summer.
college gfs dont count ever. theyre like getting corn rows in jamaica. you feel cool at the time. then you go home and people make fun of you.
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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