You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
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