can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Randomize
