Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Randomize
