so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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