I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Randomize
