Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
