I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
The way white people respond to them, you'd think Journey was the president of Caucasia.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
