i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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