i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Randomize
