Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
I'm eating all of the evidence.
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
Randomize
