I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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