I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
