im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Randomize
