Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
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