dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
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