I wanna passion pit in your ass
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
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