the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Randomize
