I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
