In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
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