i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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