nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
