I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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