evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
