if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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