Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Tell her she can't have a vagina
Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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