i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
