So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
