I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
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