party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
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