the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
