I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Text me some of your sweat
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
