i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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