party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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