Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
