Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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