I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
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