You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Randomize
