the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
Randomize
