I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
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