if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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