Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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