PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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