i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Randomize
