I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
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