I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
