My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
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