So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
